#Momlife - When Shit Gets Real

I know I talk about being a stay at home mom alot. I know I complain too. But truth is there's alot to fucking complain about! We all know the endless amount of tasks expected of women so I am not going to even get into that- but let's talk about something else - something that I least expected when I became a mom of two under two. I am just going to come out and say it- I completely underestimated the amount of feces I would encounter on a daily basis. Yes feces. No like seriously? What do I feed this kids??!!!

Sometimes I really question myself since I am the one home during the bulk of my kids bowel movements. (Seriously, no pun intended). But this issue is something I did not expect when I imagined my life with 2 toddlers. There are lots of mom struggles when your kids depend on you for all of their basic human needs. And yes cleaning poop does come with the job- that wasn't the surprise. The surprise was literally how much poop would come out of such tiny humans and how often, including at all the worst times of the day. It's basically unlike any other experience I have had prior to raising my kids. You know you have a busy morning (and this is true regardless of whether you're a working mom or a sahm) you are getting ready, you are getting the kids ready, everyone has to eat but cannot unless you provide the food and water and even assist them in ingesting it and the YOU yourself must also perform basic human necessities like brushing teeth, washing face, eating and drinking but of course like a good mom all my children's needs come first. And just when they are done with their food and I have fed them their last spoonful of whateverthefuck I can clean their tiny faces and fingers and take a deep breath and finally take a bite of something myself. But then it happens. That little butt pops out in a toddler sized squat and their faces scrunch up and redden and then there is the death stare - focusing on absolutely nothing at all but what is happening in their diaper. Now if you missed all these signs you can wait for the smell - kind of like a cartoon where a stream of green putrid mist is floating up into the hair and then it finally hits someone in the nostril- that's basically what happens when kids poop. I tell you a mom must have been the one to design that animated concept. This is the part where you now must stop eating whatever it was you were looking forward to as you drooled over preparing everyone else's meals and then proceed to clean this pooptastrophy (of which I will spare you any descriptive details on what will come out of your child). I will leave some elements of surprise for you if you have no children of your own yet. While you are cleaning one - the other runs into a semi hiding position and you know, you just fucking know they too are taking a shit! This is going to be multiple poop diapers in a row before you even immersed yourself in your own breakfast! Now tell me really, who the hell even wants to continue eating breakfast at this point? Most of the time breakfast becomes a meal that takes me a few hours to finish because by the time I can stomach eating anything at all again someone is bound to do something nauseating. If your question is do my children's shit ruin my appetite? Yeah it fucking does! It's gross; I don't care what you think. Gagging over my kids' bowel movements does in no way reflect my ability to parent and if you are going to stand there and tell me you never wanted to hurl during a diaper change than you are a damn liar! Or you are just a psycho who likes the smell of shit! You pick. How can I go on and on this long about feces. Well, have a few kids and you will find out. Because I haven't even ventured into the territory of changing a poop diaper in a public place yet. That is a whole special type of physical horror that you have yet to encounter if you do not know what I am referring to. Have you ever been far from a public restroom or sans changing table and had to do the whole inside-the-carriage-hope-I-dont-get-shit-on-anything diaper switcheroo? Nevertheless, I haven't even touched on blowouts! Blowouts are what new moms think won't happen to them because they will always use the appropriate size diaper and be more careful than other moms. I know I was one of those moms too. Rookie mistake! But then I got a reality check in the form of a shitsplosion that ruined multiple cutesy baby outfits I could no longer save without the terrible memory of what occurred in them. I love my babies. I do. And they will probably hate me for writing about their shit in the pubic blogosphere - but I am in the spirit of keeping mommyhood real- the good, the bad, and the shitty. And shit is about as real as it gets honey. One time I even kept a tally of how many poop diapers I changed in a day and then I sent that number to my husband who was busy at work and could care less. True story. I don't know if I was looking for some kind of defecation trophy or just a "thanks for wiping my kids' butts, honey" but I finally realized I might just be going a bit a crazy (blame it on the daily inhalation of toxic fumes). Either way needless to say no one was really impressed. But for new moms and future moms, it is really not all shitty. And if we can find humor in the parts that aren't so great than we've already won half the battle!